Saturday, September 30, 2006
i dont even KNOW what your definition of LOVE towards me even.
love means you can fondle your long time crush infront of me.
love means you can hide things from me.
love means you lie and you cheat and you break promises
that is YOUR love.
not mine.
not anyone's.
you've failed miserably farhan. and indeed you have no one but yourself to blame because the one you love, hates you to the core. and it's all because of you.
call me plain dumb, but love is one thing that i've come to feel, but somehow not able to return back the love of the same caliber.
maybe she will never forgive me. never.
but until the day that she might will be able to, i will never be able to repay back the amount of love she gave to me. and i threw it all away. how did i ever manage to become such a bastard? how? answers i will have to search within myself for a long, long time.
and till then, maybe she'll find someone new. someone who's more capable of love than me.
"you made lies because you wanted to make it all better, but you made it all worse. what have you done?"
well i don't want to hide it anymore.
(this may just anger you much more. but it's better that you know. i guess)
the mass comm girl asking number but i rejected issue? it wasn't even true. it was a lie i made to show you that i'm faithful to you. that i don't want anyone else. i wanted you. but that was a move i wished i never made. because it just hurt you more in the end. i do all these stupid things and lies. hell i don't know what i'm doing. but i was so scared of losing you that's why i did all these things. now i've lost you forever, because of doing these stupid things.
indeed i've broken my fair share of promises. and i've never made it up.
and that fondling your long time crush thing? blame me for being extra rough that day. and for not being aware of what i was initially doing, but it never seemed the same way in your eyes as it did in mine. it never will be.
maybe it's me but i hide things although they virtually have nothing wrong, and i seriously don't know why sometimes. i get too caught up in being happy with you that sometimes i tend to not tell, or rather, keep things that just might spoil the mood when i'm with you. keeping close to the 'i don't want to hurt you anymore' promise, it's like treading on thin ice. i was being too careful.
eventually you found out through a simple picture, and you blew your top off. forever.
me leaving you alone for the past few days. frankly, i didn't know what to say to you. or even how to start. i appear offline all the time, hoping you'd come online but when you do. i don't even have the guts to put myself back online. everyday i fear. i fear everything that you're able to say to me. even though i left you alone, you still haunt me everytime. i think of you but i get in a fix.
even before i sleep, when i look up, i see your eyes in your picture. i don't know what they say of me now. i guess they see me with two horns jutting out of my head.
i've seriously been a fucking bad boyfriend. i never realised that i would be one because i promised myself that i'm not going to be like my brother.
when you hurt, you never see what you're actually doing.
you have been in the game of love for quite a while. more than a year combined.
me? in actual fact, only 7 months. and i've inflicted so much pain that she's never going to forgive or stop hating me.
pain that i didn't want to cause. but i did in the end.
i am the worst person when it comes to love right now. at least she knows that i am.
i guess i've confessed enough. it's about time.
this is not a post of self-pity. this is a post where i tell everyone who i've become;
if you want to join the wagon with her in hating me with all your anger, i can't stop you from doing so. i guess i'll just have to bear.
thank you for your time.
